“Why are you always so happy?”

Let’s go back to 2007, the year I left everything I had known and loved to start a new life in the U.S… I was only 19, I was so lucky to have my brother in the U.S. waiting for me, he had his own house, car, job, all his life pretty much figured out; me on the other hand, had to start to learn a new language among other things.

I am not going to say that I had a hard time adapting to a new city and a new country, not at all, because for most of my short life, back then, I knew deep inside that the moment would come. Things in my country were starting to change for the worse in terms of government, economic growing, safety, etc.

The only kind of difficult thing I faced when I moved to the United States was learning to live with my brother. I know, it sounds weird, people would think that it would be all fun, craziness and wild parties, but no. I was born when my brother was 13, he moved to the U.S. when I was 6, he has tons of memories of me as a baby, as a toddler and as a child, but most of the memories I have about that time in life are fuzzy. He visited home every year or so for Christmas or during summer. But it was like having a guest that you love and admire very much, but knew little about.

So this was my real challenge, now that I put it into words, I bet it was a challenge also for him too. Being alone all his adult life, free to do and say whatever, and knowing little about me, my personality, my way of doing things… We were both challenged with each other.

I quickly learned about my brother’s cleanliness, his obsession with order and control over things. I couldn’t even have a mess in my room, he would demand me to put my crap together and clean my stuff. I didn’t care so much, but some days it would get in my nerves and I would snap and run to my room.

Months went by, I worked as a babysitter, then as a sales’ associate for a jewelry store in a mall, it was a big deal to me, then I started working in a Radioshack… Do you remember Radioshack? I do, I worked there for almost 2 years. After taking English classes, I enrolled in school and life was really good. I went to school full-time, worked part-time. I was very focused and committed to both school and work. I was pleased with life.

One morning during winter, I got up, I was getting ready to go to school, I was brushing my teeth and from the distance I hear my brother asking me: “why are you always so happy?, why do you get up all happy?” – I was like, this is one of his silly jokes, but he was serious. He continued and said: “I don’t understand why you are not serious in the morning, what is it that you are so happy?”

I think I replied to him something like: “because this is how I am”… Eleven years later, I ask myself this: am I happy? – I remember those years, and it is truth, I was a very happy person, I was a different person. I used to laugh a lot more (this is hard to believe because I laugh at anything), I used to smile more often, I was more relaxed and easy going.

That young, joyful and refreshing part of me has died a little bit, I wonder if it is because of my age or because I’m a married woman. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I am contemplating the idea of bringing her back… The questions now is: how?